Monday, November 2, 2009

Breaking Up

I'm such a hoot as a house-sitter, the dog ran away.

It's so awful to say, but at least it wasn't my dog. That might have finished off my ego for good.

One of my parents' dogs (the old broad, Millie) has been known to flee on occasion (although these days it's at an arthritic pace). What she finds more alluring is a curious question since other neighborhood dogs try to break into our yard.

Brings to mind others (than dogs) who have run right out of my life... Yeah, it's a sore spot that I can't seem to leave alone.

I'll go all the way back to kindergarten and chastise myself for not: being more sensitive to the kid "Tyler" in our class who would cry on a whim, more artistic with finger-painting, having a serious crush on anything sweet, being the tallest -- and later -- the shortest, continuing to excel in math, becoming an professional athlete (then for thinking I even have the right to dream that was a possibility), having oodles of hidden talents, being good at telling jokes, forgetting about boys and focusing on myself, having a clue about the ins and outs of baseball statistics, getting the most out of college, reading so much into it when a friendship shifted, catching that typo, running off to Canada more often, thinking I was cool or smart enough to work on bikes, becoming something other than what I really am...

...It's an endless list really. Not enough words in cyberspace to fill all the blanks.

And then Jack's Aunt Sooz's voice enters my mind. She recently took over my own voice of Doubt, not to amplify it but to kick it squarely in the arse. Last week she gave me a talking to about all my self-deprecation, which for good reason sounds a lot like defecation...

Nothing has been able to break up Me-n-Doubt so far; it's a love affair I just can't seem to end. Yet, she said the only words that might bring me to my senses: I'll screw up Quinn if I can't get over all my failings and fallibility, and simply forgive myself for being rather imperfect.

Well, not only does that sound like a fabulous reason to leave Doubt in the dust, it actually might work! And, it has the potential to be so liberating. That is, if only I weren't so...

Really though, I look at Quinn and she doesn't have that kind of thinking (yet, and hopefully not ever). She doesn't look around and say "I wish I were the kind of baby that only poos my pants three instead of four times a day? Ugh!" Or "Why can't I be like that kid?! He has such a big and bulky head... And mine? It's so puny and proportioned. Hmph!"

She just lives. With such intensity and focus, there's no energy left to look forward or backward.

No less ridiculous is all the self-hating self-doubting most of us engage in; what a grand waste of time, and of life. So, I'm breaking up with Self-Doubt.

Besides, a friend in college once criticized me for being too much like my homeland of Switzerland and never taking a position on anything... Whereas others have found me too vocal of my views. Apparently, people will find a reason not to like me, or you, or any of us (except Quinn of course!).

So, instead of screwing up my kid, I say "screw it!" I'm going to enjoy being imperfectly me. Sure I'll try to evolve and stave off entropy, but I'm kicking Doubt to the curb, and making room for Self-Worth to be my next sidekick.



Now all I need is a great breakup song... and the dog to come home.

Still Short but Smiling,
Mama Murphy & Super Q

3 comments:

Jonas said...

All you can ever be is you and you have done pretty well beng you. With any luck you have passed some on to Quinn.

bossysooz said...

You are my idol. That's why I won't let you self-deprecate. Also, I'm bossy.

Love, Sooz

Anonymous said...

I can totally agree with Jonas and Sooz. You passed the "test" because of your strengths, not the weakness you perceive. I know you are one Strong, Capable and Loving person, who has learned a lot about life in all 'dat grow'n up!!!!