A Separate Reality

Having gone for nearly four weeks without much sunlight, I have been thoroughly enveloped into the shadowy folds of the NICU. Sadly, Quinn knows no other reality.

When I spin stories for her about the dog back in California waiting to lick her milk mustache, the cat who will always purr her into a good mood, or the oodles of family and friends eager to fawn over her father's likeness, Quinn's eyes betray that talk of a different home doesn't make a modicum of sense to her. And, I have to admit, I'm starting to wonder if the hospital isn't indeed our home, and this strange sense of time isn't a loop we may never escape.

Here, the day isn't over until the next one begins. . . The edges of each smudge into the other and memories collide to confuse any sense of a point in time. Oddly enough, it sounds as though Jack's days are very similar in how they blur together in his separate and Afghani reality.

A day, two, or several ago (who knows!), I splurged for some flavor of my former life at Whole Foods (better known to some as "Whole Check"). As if it were normal, I stood outside the backseat of my rental car, while ravaging (what Jack would call) the "lickies and chewies" I had bought.

A woman who approached me took her own life in her hands when she thought it worth interrupting my feast. From under her cloud of cigarette smoke, she asked if I could spot her some cash. Turns out her daughter was stuck in Provo, having gone into early labor, and was "so far from home" that by pooling money perhaps this woman could bring her daughter and grandchild back.

I wasn't sure whether to snarl because this woman got so close to my food, or to choke on the irony of her story. . . (particularly the punchline that Provo was "far" considering it's less than 50 miles from Salt Lake). Needless to say, I shooed her away from stealing my food. . . and my identity.

Although this place tends to feel isolating and removed from normalcy, it is a our home and way of life for now, and I am resigned to this fact.

Fortunately, we now get to experience the happier side of the NICU as Quinn continues to improve. Tonight, she is off the penguin food and is only digesting breastmilk. She is almost back to the weight and stage of progress she was at a week ago when everything seemed to come undone. What a difference a week can make -- in any place, and at any time.

All the best from this side of reality,
The Murphys